My Happy Post

I have been blessed with a sweet homecoming and few days home. I love seeing, hearing, hugging my littles. I am kind of, ok really a part-part time mom. Not gonna lie, I am enjoying it. I physically can't expend more than 9 calories a day, so my options are sitting, restroom, sitting, sitting or my 20 minute walk 3 times a day. Which aren't really happening.  I can get sloppy kisses and hugs from my squirts, laugh at the dramatic tantrums, and not be accountable for feeding one person, let alone cleaning up the kitchen hurricane that takes place after meals. I will openly complain to anyone who will listen that sleeping upright and being upright 24/7 is tortuous. Almost to the degree of watching english drama's. (wink, wink Chad). I still smell like I came out the 1800's and no one has kicked me out yet. 

I want to encourage you all with a list of praises. 

1) our wonderful church body has pooled money together for a caregiver for the 16 hours a week we need help. Like real help. We are SO thankful for the incredible generousity of our amazing church. God's hands and feet have showered us so many times over with an abundance of love and grace, generousity. We don't know how to thank everyone for the time and energy that has gone into meals, donating so generously to help in finding a capable woman to run the house when I am down. We met her today, and her name is Sarah. She is amazing. Basically the housewife we would all want to be. Efficient, sweet and does everything with a smile. She rocks.

2) I can walk! It's ugly. Still. But each day I see more of what looks like a human walking instead of a gorilla, and I am encouraged. I made it from the car to my sons preschool without falling, Thank you Lord! I have total numbness in my left leg, foot and stomach, my right leg is patchy-so please keep praying! God is choosing to answer in His time. 

3) My nuggets have been impeccably cared for by our wonderful loving parents, friends,  and have had playdates with friends, all resulting in positive feedback and even at times, people invited them back. I know, my jaw dropped too. But friends, this is why we pray. My brood is a handful to anyone who really knows us. I am their mom and of course love them, but don't think I don't see the side eye from you have-it-all-together mama's. 

4) NO LEAKING!!!!!! Day 5, not one drop. There is an area of CSF accumulating on the top like before, but not as crazy. I find out the next step tomorrow at 2:15

5) Coming off the pain meds. It's hard, but God is enabling me to do it. It's terribly uncomfortable to withdraw off of them, but hopefully after tonight, we will be on the not having chills/ hot flashes road to normalcy. Currently, I am the person in a hoodie you don't want to run into in a back alley. Not because I am a ninja. Because I am crazy uncomortable. 

Thank you friends for faithfully praying. I have the immense blessing of knowing God hears our hearts, hopes, desires and needs. 

Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.

      Matthew 18:19

I'm HOME!!!!! Yes!!! I don't need confetti or balloons, I am just so thankful they let me come home. It was as romantic as I envisioned. My handsome husband, all my babies in our home. Safe. I feel protected. We were spoiled with a delicious meal, thank you Amy! Mamabird stayed for a couple hours to help me bathe and stop smelling like a dumpster. (Baby wipe showers DON'T WORK) Last night, the dr. made his rounds, we said goodnight, and I'll give you 5 guesses as to what started leaking. Yep. I immediately did what all normal girls do: cry. I wanted to pound my fists in despair, but decided to pray. And eat my chocolate stash. I told the nurse and she grabbed the Dr. He restapled my head again, and said 'we will see'. After that, I leaked a few drops, but not enough to dissuade him from letting me come home. Thank you Lord!!! Huge praise. He said I have what is called hydrocephalus, which is when one makes too much cerebral spinal fluid in the brain. This is a complication from surgery that we have to pray resolves itself. Or I will ultimately have to have a shunt put in. Please pray it will heal completely? The deal is I can be home as long as there is no leak, if there is a leak, I go back. My brain and heart needs a break. God already knows this. The amazing part of riding these trials is knowing God saw the entirety of the trial before we did. And He sees the next round to come. He can be trusted. He never forsakes us. And you know what? Through all this, I never once felt alone. Thank you friends for showering us with prayer, cards and encouragement. Thank you for caring for our children tirelessly. The joy and gratitude you have all brought me supercedes the silly tears. I appreciate each one of you. I am so excited to go back and read all of your messages and pray for you. Please thank God in your prayers today as He has done so much good, answered countless prayers and given me peace through it all. Dancing my happy dance...

Oh sweet praying friends. I am so humbled by your continuous outpouring of prayers and love for our family. I check messages, or have them read to me, and am overcome by the love and the time and thoughtfulness that has gone into blessing this family. Your prayers have not been offered up in vain. God is beginning to answer each prayer and petition one by one. Last night was day 5 (and the last day) of the expected time frame for the fluid to rebuild itself. If I did not start to feel better on this day it would have meant they punctured the spinal column which would be months of recovery. I am so pleased to announce I sat up for the first time last night without screaming in pain. They removed the drain tube. And staples and sutures. Not. One. Tear. My head is still attached to my shoulders. They sent some fluid off to be tested for meningitis. I have had consistent temps in the 99.1-99.8 range. No one is too concerned, so that is a good thing. Please pray that I would recover so quickly I would have the chance to point everyone back to the gracious nature of our faithful God.
This last week has been the most frightening of my entire life. Having pain escalate to the highest degree imaginable, too high for tears, and not responding to the highest doses of narcotics was terrifying. Highest praises go to our Lord and Savior who has heard all your loving prayers for deliverance. I am on the upswing. I am only able to sit up for about 20
minutes at a time before feeling like I am on the teacups. The doctors hope to send me home in the next couple of days but I need to be able to use a walker to get around like I was before. Which will be hard as I have been bed bound for 7 days unable to move anything. Hopefully by tomorrow, I can begin recovering at home! Thank you praying friends for taking the time to say a prayer on my behalf. God heard you, and He is responding. Please don't stop praying. I have a long road ahead.

Thank you ALL for sharing this blog and for praying for me and begging for prayer on my behalf. I am beyond humbled and so full of gratitude. There is no way I can physically respond to all the loving FB messages, writing this alone has me in so much pain. We feel loved by all the many prayers. Prayer warriors: Please keep it up. It's been a hard 3 days filled with physical pain. Much uncertainty. Praise God for modern medicine. I can't remember what I have shared. In short, I had too much csf fluid, and it began leaking out of my staples, (Dangerous), so they placed a drain. (Didn't work- valve failed). The drain malfunctioned, and I lost almost ALL my spinal fluid which creates what is called a low pressure headache. Highly painful. In fact, in all of my intimate knowledge of pain, this is the highest form. As of yesterday I was still lacking enough spinal fluid to sit upright and move around. Changing positions is desperately painful. I am maxed out on pain medicine, yet so thankful FOR pain medicine and kind doctors and nurses. I am currently in the ICU awaiting a CT scan as the pain has not subsided, and guess what is leaking again? Ding, ding, ding !!! My wound. Please pray for relief, an that my brain is ok. There is a lot going on and I am not getting a straight answer. I am in much pain and am begging God for deliverance. God has mercifully gotten me this far. Thank you prayer warriors.

I am feeling pretty embarrassed with all the updates. I am sorry for consuming your news feeds and updating so often. That being said, things are pretty serious, and the one constant comfort I have is knowing I can beg God for deliverance through prayer and true and complete dependence on Him. Knowing I have exhausted the resource of prayer, brings me the peace I need to press on. Two things: one, I was informed the type of infection I am at risk for is meningitis. The life threatening kind. To say I am disappointed in my surgeons communication skills is the understatement of the year. Second, there was a major complication with the placing of the drain-the control valve failed and I lost a very large amount of spinal fluid. Along with the additional leak comes yet another pathway for meningitis, and I spent the night in tremendous, uncontrollable pain, the worst headache and backache I have ever had. It is still not draining properly, and I have been warned, they will most likely redo the drain today. With anesthesia, which means recovery starts alllll over again. Considering the new additional risk factors and pain ahead, I am discouraged. I will not lose heart and I resolve to continue to trust in Gods sovereign nature. Thank you for praying! Thank you for your notes of encouragement. I can't get back to everyone but I appreciate it all the same.

Prayers needed

Please pray with me? I started leaking spinal fluid again, and had to go the hospital. They are admitting me and have to put a drain in my brain cavity, which is a procedure that is intended to protect from an infection that could compromise my health in a big way. Having the procedure holds risks in itself, along with the risk of infection despite the drain. This is not normal, so the reason behind all this I pray is a fluke and nothing more serious. Please pray for protection over my body? That this drain would solve the problem? I am currently waiting for for an MRI to make sure there is nothing else going on that is causing the fluid to build up. I will then be admitted, have the drain installed and held in the ICU on strict bed rest for a few days in hopes this solves the problem, and I can get moving on the path to recovery. The upside is the AMAZING chicken fingers and cheesecake I get to
at all hours of the day. Cruise ship style. Hospitals aren't so bad. The nurses are 5 star status and I get waited on like a princess. :) Thank you praying friends!!

Schizophrenic Update

Our Christian would have been one Wednesday. I awoke with tears flowing. What followed, I could have never dreamed. My husband never let me go-he held my hand, my heart and walked with me through the emotional day. I could not love him any more than I do in this moment. In fact, the love that has come from the loss of Christian's life is blinding. It is an avalanche of God's love, perfected in friendships and relationships with people He has given to walk with us. We are thankful for each of you. Many of you showed us love, gifts, and kindness today that will never be forgotten. I actually wrote down every single thing and person God has given us through this journey to ensure I will not soon forget. Providentially, we had to stop by Brayden's school for something, and we were surprised and shocked to be gifted the most cherished box of handmade cards from each child in my boy's class, complete with pictures and sentences of encouragement, cards from parents, and a very generous monetary gift. On went the tear faucet. As I read each and every card, I saw the gift of life in each child God created, His loving teacher and the parents. What big hearts! So. much. love.

If that is not encouraging enough, this last week has held many good things I will claim as praises. 
1) my legs are working better! I can hobble around. It's ugly, but hey! I can figure it out. (Safely with a walker-complete with some smashingly hot tennis balls). I am not bed bound as I had humanly feared, and I attribute this to ALL to your faithful and appreciated prayers. I hope you see the progress as the answered prayers they are and that they would bolster your faith and strengthen your prayer life. God has given us a miracle in mobility. Please continue to pray. I am numb up to my stomach, the sensations are rare and the muscle weakness is pretty bad.  I need to eat my wheaties and actually do the pictograms on the PT chart that have been copied 46 times. There is hope! :) Each day is giving me more and more to be thankful for. 
2) Ready for some gross TMI?? If not, there is a little x in the upper left hand corner. 
Tuesday morning, my staples failed, and brain fluid started flowing out. Like a lot. It was gross and scary. So we saw the surgeon right away and he looked at me, and stapled my head shut again, no anesthesia. True story. It's ok, out squirted a shower of cervical spinal fluid. He bravely freaked out, and immediately put in 4 sutures in to stop the leaking. NO ANESTHESIA. Are you kidding me? Maybe I do have super powers. I then started crying and they kindly gave me a horse tranquilizer. Many narcotics later, it's all better. Amen. 

The surgeon  also ordered an MRI to see how much residual tumor is left, so we will know how to move forward. The next appointment is next thursday with my 'fix the annoying blonde's  brain' team. The seizures are still a coming. They are shorter than before the surgery, but still present. So that is something to pray for. Please no more seizures! The hope is they will go away, so I can be an independent mommy.

3) Chad was scheduled to go to work today, and on the way there, they cancelled work due to the fires. While I am sad for San Diego, I am thankful I got my man today! This was a gift as I LOVE my husband, and enjoy every extra minute I get to be with him.  
4) Regardless of the fact we redated our anniversary to July 18,  we did celebrate {eat out} on our anniversary, at a super packed fancy restaurant. I am so glad I made reservations. 

5) I have been getting hours upon hours of this preciousness:

6) we had a peaceful celebration of what would have been Christian's 1st Birthday at the cemetery. It was a warm breezy early evening, and I couldn't help but be thankful for the lives God has graciously given us to love, nuture, and raise. 

 7) My big outing this week was getting my nails done with mamabird, and frequenting the ever trashy walmart. I made eye contact with a bald guy in above the knee pink shorts wearing a pair of rolled over uggs. It was beautiful... and of course I couldn't grab my phone camera quick enough. I nailed the corner of the aisle with the motor cart and scared a small family. Sooooorrry! But not really, because it made me giggle, and well….it feels good to giggle. 

Weeman is 5!!!

My sweet baby. 5 years old! Your Birthday was April 14, and Mama has some making up to do. A month has almost passed with no mention of you entering big boy-hood. You, my little love bug, are my joy, my happiness. You warm my heart to no end and I am just so blessed God chose me to be your mama! As I parent you, or rather love on you, I still catch myself gasping at what a kind compassionate boy you are. You are the one who gives hugs and kisses to hurt people. (me). You love your Angel bear. You are sensitive. Caring. I can't wait to see the big boy and then man God has made you to be. You love baseball. You run FAST. You don't react fast, as you are always thoughtful in your response. Rather that be to hit your brother or run to first base. You want to make you are doing the right thing. Or better, equally measured. For this, I adore you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for bringing so much light into my life and for being such a cuddlebug. You make my heart melt daily, and I am so overcome that God chose me, to mother you. I love you forever and always.
Mama

May Day

It hit me. May is not my favorite month. In fact, this month gives me the burn/ itch. May holds too many expectations, failed, yet to be fulfilled, and impossible to appropriately meet. 2 of my best friends birthday's fall in this month. 2 great days to praise God for the gift of their life and the many ways they have made life so much more joyful! Yet they both live far away. Next, we have Mother's day. We unargueably have the best mothers on the planet. They deserve their own day. But for some reason each year, it always gets sliced weird. They get the mangled crust with a cute homemade gift. Not long enough cards. They deserve the world, and then a week at the spa for all they give to us, all the countless ways they generously love us. Usually the day after or 2, is our Anniversary. May 13. Poor wedding planning on our part. We then have our baby Christian's Birthday. May 14. A day that brought so much hope last year. Our baby would be one. It would be a bold lie to say anything other than I would give anything to ambien my way through the pain, and sadness this month holds. Celebrating seems so off color. Pressing on in my own strength would be a joke, so God has graciously gifted our family with mothers, fathers, family, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, pastors, nurses, doctors, teachers to spur us/ me on. To encourage us, and to show us He is here. He is meeting each need before we even have the chance to panic or plan for a solution. He is hearing my heart be poured out before Him and showing me moment by moment how He is going to carry me/ us through. In the times where the suffering is insurmountable-He swiftly gives me the mercy needed to keep breathing. I notice He does this after I see the need. Most of the time, He just gives me what is so unnatural-peace. People I would have never otherwise known, but through His perfect hand, have come alongside me to specifically encourage and fill my heart with His promises and know exactly what scripture to point me to. Hugs, cards, flowers, meals, prayers. People I would have never had the pleasure of knowing had I not endured previous painful trials. And that is so the nature of our big and unsearchable God. Using brokeness, to heal deeper brokeness, to bring us to an ever full and perfect redemption. God will not let me sit here and declare self pity, up in arms at what seems like injustice. This mother's day my heart is aligned with His and I declare my allegiance to Christ and His work with the life He has breathed into me. He is changing my heart, sustaining me, and giving me far more than I could have ever known to pray for. He is showing me His glory through this recovery and what-feels-like-a-marathon-life-trial. Today I see my God bigger than ever, and worthy of being trusted. I pray that when you look back and take stock of your life and blessings today, you too will see exactly what God has entrusted you with, and the many mercies He has graciously bestowed upon you.

Recovery update

Hi friends. What a week! I cannot appropriately show my gratitude for all the prayers, messages, sweet acts of kindness andscripture. They have been answered so specifically in many ways. So encouraged. Many people have so sweetly asked how things are going? How am I doing? The easy answer is "great!" "Each day is getting better."
The more honest answer lies below. I apologize for the delay in update and returning texts and messages. The fine motor side of brain has a major recovery ahead. Reading, writing etc is extremely fatigue-ing (is that a word??) Last Tuesday, the surgery went well. 6.5 hours and they got most of the tumor out. One blood transfusion, which was an answered prayer times a thousand. Last time I had 6. The Dr. described the tumor as a knuckle sandwich, wedged in between the 2 hemispheres. Which explains why I have had so many side effects. The tumor was large and had begun to deform my skull. They removed that part and I have a titanium plate in place, robocop style. Complete with a ton of screws. :) This surgery was also the most complicated in many ways. The part that was left is not in an ideal spot, it is so deep, when- if they go back, it becomes more and more complicated. We find out more about what the next step is in an appt with the nuero-oncologist. Another chance to completely rely on God's sovereign nature to play it out with arms wide open. This is His life and His plan is perfect. We have had the best moms and dads and friends and family supporting us and loving us. God has covered every detail, big and small. And Chad hasn't collapsed! He is a rockstar with a great, loving attitude. Always serving and loving me with a big smile. We could not do anything apart of the sacrifices of our parents, so thank you!!! They have allowed us to stay together by keeping the kids together. God has been ever so faithful to give us HIS perfect peace. I do have a much larger recovery ahead than I had realized. I will take this chance to ask for prayer for my ability to walk again. My body has forgotten, my legs are still dead/ numb, thus I cannot walk unless I am 100% assisted. Our home has a ton of stairs, so this will be a challenge. Please pray my legs would awake? I would be restored mentally and physically? That my babies would get their mommy back? Today they decide if I stay in the hospital, go to a live-in rehab facility, or go straight home. Of course my desire is to be home! Also please pray for my husband, he has an incredible burden on his shoulders. Along with our parents. We are completely at God's mercy to see how needs will be filled. Both practical and emotional needs. Another huge area of good news are: my seizures have lessened, having about half as many, so hopefully that is an indicator they will come to an end. Wow. That was a mouthful/ eyeful/ earful. Oye. Sorry peeps. Lastly please thank our good, perfect, merciful God for who He is and all He has given us and entrusted us with. Eternal salvation alone is enough, but with that comes a relationship, one where we can confidently rely on him for the grace and contentment needed to walk in His ways. Especially in the hardest of times. We love you all. So thankful for each and every one of you.