So...

I will state the obvious-it has been awhile. Fair warning: this post will not be a Happy!!!! post. Or one where I am so in love with everything!!!! and everyone!!! And my life is better than yours!!!! Yay!!!! January-today has been a totally different world than the business and hopeful fight through 2013. 

I wish I could say I have been laboring hard on some interesting and fancy new project, but I think we all know me better. I have some chipped, half painted nails, an unmade bed and a heaping pile of body coverings in desperate need of folding. Or lets be honest, re-washing for the 10th time. PB and jellies are a a mental obstacle. It is a dry, sad season, and I fear it is beginning to feel comfortable. Christian is gone. Whatever memory I am clinging to is becoming blurry. I still think of him every night and involuntarily mentally re-enact that horrific morning. I see life ahead of the inital stages of grief-it is just forever a different shade than I ever imagined. Yes, God has done great things, yet there is nothing in this life that will redeem the loss. The loss of a huge chunk of my heart. The loss of his warm life in my arms. The loss of ever looking at a baby with the same smile. The loss of the brother for my 3 sweet children who still ask about him all. the. time. Christian is loved and missed in a terrible way. 

The patriarch of my side of the family went and made his debut in heaven on March 1. I say "heaven" boldly. He repented of his sin and placed His trust in Christ's work on the cross a lifetime ago. I had the opportunity to intently listen to so many people share of the impact and pursuit of holiness that took place because of his life and willingness to give it to God to spur them on, encourage them, lead them. He truly lived his life in a manner worthy of the calling. Hearing how God chose him and used him so mightily was overwhelming. And convicting. And made me so thankful and proud to be his grand daughter. 

As for the journey my health is on, I am not sure if it is more emotionally or physically draining. I am learning: vitamins and prayer don't fix everything. Some things in life are meant to stay broken. My heart is beating-I get to live life as my husbands' wife, children's mama, parents (peter pan-never growing up) child and for that, I can't complain, right? No, still can't drive. (so thankful you all cart me around so graciously!) No, still can't get my meds right, and truthfully, I feel like a burden. My latest MRI shows the companion in my brain has taken up a little further residency, not significant enough for an immediate surgery or dramatic knee jerk plan of action. I have no idea if another surgery is on the table, or if I get to watch the new symptoms become permanent. I get to simmer on the possibilities for a few weeks. 

There has been heaps of bad news. Broken lives. Broken bodies. Sadness. Loss. The truth is there is comfort in similar company and there is a dark heaviness too. My heart, while broken, is regenerate. And for that, I hold onto hope that God's purpose for my life is greater than rambling on about worthless feelings. I pray by you reading this, you see because I/ you/ us/ other sad people struggle with fallen reality, am not inferior to positive thinking, make it happen for yourself, smile anyway people plastered all over social media. It is a lie. Some things you can't fake your way through. I choose to limp with a clear conscience. That said, I am ready for some redemption. Ready for some good news, happy times and breakthroughs. More than my wishlist, I humbly raise my hands and wait patiently on my Savior to give me what He so faithfully promises; sweet mercy.  

What is with my children's attraction to putting hygiene paraphernalia in their hair? Another mother of the year moment for the books. 20 minutes into a nap, ok-I passed out, I and I wake up to this:

Juicin'

In the sports arena, this would mean testicle shrinkage, and premature balding. Oh and bigger muscles. But in the White house, this means more energy, a whole lotta dinero being dropped at hippie vegetable selling markets and a lot of labor for one cup of liquid vegetables. This miracle juice makes all kinds of promises…so I had to try it out since everyone is doing it, and I am a follower like that.

It will use up every square ince of fridge space

It will take you 15 minutes to prep/ put together a recipe

 It will take you 2 minutes to actually shove the stuff through the shoot, the fun part.

15 minutes to choke down this madness

 Oh and surprise! You have another 15 minutes of dishwashing ahead of you. Don't worry, you get to start this runaround 1 hour later because you are STARVING. People who say it fills them up, you LIE. This disruption in normal lifestyle does give you an energy boost equivalent to a pot of coffee, tried and true. I don't know about the weightloss because everything is still a little flabby. My skin is no clearer, and truthfully I am starting to doubt all this hooplah is worth it. Knuckles to all you diehards out there.

Commitment

Marriage is a gift. Is it not? If you aren't crazy about your partner in matrimony at the moment, hang in there. To stop and think-God chose this man for ME. He CHOSE him for me and me for him. Wow. It is a beautiful thing. Granted, I have not been married a lifetime, or let's be honest…haven't even crossed the 10 year threshold. Regardless, I think we have been through enough in this life to see the abundant blessing in a marriage renewed by putting our faith in Christ. I happen to LOVE my husband, and if we are being honest, I like him just as much. Yes, we have endured crazy life trials, loss, and ups and downs, but truth be told, we have seen the rainbow more times than we deserve or can possibly begin to count. Our love is true. It is authentic. We love, we argue (sometimes), we depend on eachother, and we are committed. He loves me with grey hair, no hair, some makeup, no makeup, snot bubbles and even my rapidly increasing face wrinkles. He laughs with me, cries with me, and holds my hand always. It is a joy to be "committed" to my hunk of a husband.
Which brings me to my next point in a round about way. In September, an extraordinary photographer, (and very good friend), Josh Elliott, gave us a beautiful gift. I opened the door to a beautiful plant and card letting us know he wanted to gift us a commitment shoot. This is something we would never have been able to splurge on. Which made it even more special to us.
The day started with a surprise professional make up/ hair session Josh arranged, stealth style. No before pictures-sorry peeps. It was ugly. We then met and he began taking a lot of pics. You would think kissing and being all smoochy smoochy would be all awkward in front of a very dear friend-no? Well, it was in fact NOT awkward at all. I am sure the bial was creeping up Josh's throat, but hey-he is a professional photographer- so he is used to some of this romantical-ness. And he was super professional and made us laugh and stuff. It was fun! Like an engagement session re-do. B/C we were kind of losers the first round. Here is the fruit of his crazy skills. I am not apologizing for flooding the blog with pics of me & my #1. ;)

I don't really know what was so funny, my man is just straight charming. He keeps me laughing always. I love you always Big Stink. Happy Mama. Many, many, many thanks to Josh. You are such a precious friend to us. We love you! I will always look at these pictures with immense gratitude.  xoxo

Photos courtesy of Josh Elliott Photography  http://joshelliottstudios.com/
Makeup by 10.11 Makeup  http://1011makeup.com/
Jewelry by g2g designs http://shopg2g.com/

Sugar and spice

To my baby girl:

You are 2!!!!!! Your birthday was last Thursday but I refuse to acknowledge the fact you are now a big girl.  Thus why it has taken me 8 days to write your own little entry. You, my love, are a pistol. Your daddy and I just spent the last 2 hours, (past bedtime), listening to, MOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhM!!!! Awake! Awake! over. over. and over again. This is a reoccurring theme in our evenings.

I love you more than words. You absolutely give me an indescribable giggle-joy. You truly are a gift, and I will always see you that way. You might commit an offense against B, W, Dad or me, but you quickly say you are sorry, give kisses and do the same thing over, and over, and over again. Just like your mama. 

You are funny. Have I mentioned that before?? You do and say the most hilarious things, truly. I know, I know, every parent says that….but you do! Daddy and I can't wait to see who you become. At 2 I would say your life will not change others, or you will do something great, I believe you will change the world. You are THAT determined and fixated on the result you want. There is no compromising or distracting you. 

You hate facial hair…but don't we all?  When you are really charming, you will say, Is that SO!? after everything someone says. Adorable. You are my baby girl, and I am enamored. The highlight of your turning 2 is most definitely your endurance in the fight against diapers. Only you are terrified of holes with water in them, so I have been cleaning up toddler urine in really awkward places. 

Ok, so there is a second highlight: your innate love for babies. You are obsessed. You would have been the most loving big sister. I know that. But maybe God is saving those mommy skills for your child or others our good Lord has in mind. I trust Him, and know He will make something beautiful with your precious life. In the meantime, you are the sweetest daughter!  I am so overjoyed He chose ME!?! to be your mama! I am truly relishing each moment. Tantrum or not, I love it all the same. Happy big bad birthday sweet girl. I am crazy for you! xoxo

10 things...

...I learned from this year:

1) We are wealthy. Not with the stuff you can spend or touch, but with God's love, precious parents and our beloved friends.
2) Gods grace and mercy triumphs.
3) the number of black chin hairs is directly proportionate to years of life. Unless you are a dude.
4) Rainbow loom will be the death of me. If anyone can figure it out without you tube, you have to be a diagnosed genius.
5) It is ok to cry. And sob. And then laugh.
6) I learned everything I need to know about football from my 6 year old.
7) one should never broil a marshmellow dessert and then go bathe their little people.
8) God's good hand has surely been upon us.
9) My kids are even more hilarious than they were yesteryear.
10) My husband is the strongest man in the world.

The end.

6 months

Sweet Christian, 
Tomorrow, it has been 6 months. The time is crawling by, and I miss you terribly. These last few weeks have been sad for me. We set up the Christmas tree and I lost it. My heart screams "you should be HERE! Ripping the ornaments off the tree, tearing open wrapped presents, making this Christmas the merriest..." My mind knows God knows better. Your brothers ask about you and continue to talk about you. In fact, they say they are thankful for you. And they want to get you a Christmas gift. Halle is obsessed with babies, specifically little ones that are sleeping. Sometimes I wonder if she is looking for you. I want to tell her you are no longer a baby. At least not ours. But still, I think about what you might look like, what you would be doing.  You would most likely be crawling, making funny faces and loving your new found food. What you are enjoying right now is far better than jarred carrots, and a life here.  
Mine and your daddy's prayer, before you were born, was that your life would make an impact for God's kingdom. We assumed you were this miracle baby that we would have a lifetime to watch grow up and hopefully make a difference on this side of life. We never thought for one minute it would actually be your death, that would take hold of the microphone so to speak.  You have not been taken from us in vain. You see Friday, God gave me an abundance of love and strength to do what I never thought was humanly possible. Share my testimony of Salvation, life after loss, and what and where our true hope is, with other mommy's in a big group. By His grace, I was able to stand up and share how good our Abba is. Amidst all the trials, pain…it was losing you that is the most devestating. God has been faithful to show us some good that has come from you crossing the threshold into eternity, before us.  
My love, you have forever changed my life. For the better. Through grieving the loss your life, and seeing the fruit that is coming from you going to be with God, your daddy and I have an unspeakable peace. It is not the peace that comes before entering a trial. It is the kind where we are continually riding the waves of grief, but we are in a boat now, protected from the despair and fear grief brings. The waters are no longer murky and deep, we can see a little further down and forward. We can taste the calm. These past few days I have taken mental inventory of the countless good God has graciously given us. We are so thankful for so many reasons, but today sweet child, I am thankful for the way God has eternally blessed me by your life and homecoming. I miss you always, and love you more than will ever know.
Mama

What I get for taking 3 minutes to talk to someone.

Ain't no Super Christian

This post kind of tells it's own story. This blog is not a teaching blog, a picture blog, or (obviously) an organized blog. If you have been reading my posts, you should know by now, there are no mission statements, no guidelines. Kind of describes my person actually. I suppose that is why I continue to write. Our Church's moms group has asked me to share my testimony-And if I am being honest, I already have sweaty palms and I can feel my saliva glands shutting down. I am nervous. Of course I am nervous. I am about to stand up on behalf of the Maker of this world, the Center of my universe, and share what is rightfully His-His work in my life and, my life. The accuser, satan is whispering retired truths in my ear. Failures, my UNqualifications, and encouraging me to cower in fear. And he is right. I fail more times than I am comfortable admitting. But it isn't that we just fail as Christians, it is what do we do about it??   Are we married to the sins and refuse to let them go? Do we stand uprightly and ask for forgiveness, begging God to change our hearts, and rely on Gods strength? Remembering that our sins are seen as far as the east is from the west?  Or do we just not care-abuse His grace and quench the Spirit. Not wanting to BE a hypocrite, the answer is in the pudding. (there is one right answer) I would hope our pursuit of holiness is worth more than the selfish sins we cling to.
I am unqualified. I am not medaled with perfect execution of Gods directives for our lives. I have not studied and labored in Bible school to have any authority over what I speak of. All I have is His perfect Word and truth: His work in my life.  I am clearly no super christian. I fumble over words when it matters most, I do not have a set time during the day to read my bible, I do it at all hours or when I get the quiet to think. I sometimes fail to show my husband the respect he deserves. I do not remember to pray for each and every person like I intend to. I am human and have a memory problem, remember? I may or may not have yelled at my kids on the way to church. (multiple times-cringe).
God's purpose is not to idolize my inadequacies and fall prey to fear.  He is not expecting me to be the unicorn of the human race. Instead he is asking me to pursue Jesus. Pursue His agenda and ask for strength, mercy and utter and complete dependence on Him. As far as I understand it, His agenda is to glorify HIM. Serve HIM. And I am praying by completely leaving the fear of failing at His feet, He will be glorified. I would be so blessed if you would pray for that too. Specifically from now until the 3rd week in November.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
1 John 4:18
"so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God."
Colossians 1:10

Sweet Ruby, this post is for you. You asked me when I was going to write a post, and this is what has been weighing on my heart. I love you and thank you for caring.

Why I love my man...

If you don't love yours, I implore you to find some reasons to. There is always a great one: God says to. Once you submit to that, it is a funny thing, other reasons seem to start falling into your lap.
God has been really kind to me in that I have a man whom I deeply love and am in love with. First off, He loves God above all else. He writes notes to the kids in the morning as he leaves for work early. They will say the score of last nights game or to be good boys or just that he loves them. He leads our family in a godly way. He sacrifices in countless ways. He brown bags it every day. STILL. He is funny. Belly laugh style. He sings west side story with his eyes closed because he might cry, he loves the music THAT much. Like I said, he is funny.  He is my rock. He has supported, encouraged, discipled, loved, and taken such excellent care of me and us during these last couple years of "growth". He is wonderful and he is mine. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my love. I can't begin to describe my gratitude for all you do and mostly, all that you mean to us. We love you more than you can ever imagine.